Open Hand (FF8)

“This train is now leaving Timber Railroad Station”. As the little chime played and the train rumbled off, Squall finally started to calm down a bit. They were safe. Well, not in immediate danger anyway, which was a step up. Still, he could feel how tense the atmosphere was. Zell was quiet, a change of attitude Squall would normally welcome, but he knew it showed how exhausted and distressed he was. Linoa took a deep breath while petting Angelo, trying to calm her nerves and Selphie was pacing anxiously. Only Quistis seemed to be keeping her composure. The experience from previous missions, Squall guessed.

Squall thought he had to say something. He wasn't much for conversation; even he could see how awkward he could be in social situations but as the designated leader of the squad, he felt it was his duty to try and keep the team's spirits up. And if he was completely honest with himself, he was starting to have a growing respect for them after everything they'd been through and seeing them soldier on with no hesitation. Mustering all of his inner strength, he reached deep inside his mind and said:

“We can do this.”

It's the thought that counts, Squall told himself, hoping that showing effort to speak up would be enough on its own to cheer everyone up. Unfortunately, it was diminished somewhat by Selphie cutting him off and loudly asking to be allowed in the next car. Squall remembered how enthusiastic she'd been about visiting the train  they took to get to Timber and figured there was no reason not to agree, especially if it could help her unwind and so he used his ticket to grant her access.

“Awesome! Thanks a lot, chief!”

Squall nearly winced at that. “Chief”! This had better not become a habit. It was so ridiculous. He had no more field experience than her or Zell. There was no good reason for him to be the team leader.

Quistis, however, seemed more amused by the remark than he was and after a small chuckle, she turned to Linoa:

“I really hope the Owls are going to be okay. They're the ones we have to thank for finding us a way out of there.”

“Don't worry about them, they've been through worse!” Linoa replied. “I know we look like a clueless ragtag group of misfits and... I guess we are... but we're very resourceful and we can always rely on other resistance groups”.

“That's good to know,” said Quistis with a nod. “I'd like to at least get Zone something as thanks, though”.

“Well, he does like dirty magazines,” Linoa answered coyly.

“I'll keep that in mind, then,” said Quistis after another chuckle. “Well, there's quite a way to go, better make ourselves comfortable. If anyone needs me, I'll be in the SeeD cabin.” As the door to the next car slid open, Quistis gave Squall a playful look.

“Oh and, thanks for opening the door, chief!”

Squall rubbed his eyes, knowing that it was probably too late to escape the moniker now. He tried to relax, leaning against the wall with his arms crossed. He saw how down Zell looked and briefly considered having a word with him, but he remembered his previous attempt to brighten the mood and decided that it would only make things worse.

Instead, he started to mull over the events of the day. Everything since this morning had been insane. He had just woken up when he, Selphie and Zell were assigned their first mission despite only graduating the previous day, without a single veteran SeeD to oversee them. The decision was so rushed that Cid couldn't even give him a full briefing, only giving him the slightest info on where to go and who their client would be. It was painfully obvious that this whole thing had been thrown together at the last minute.

Then they got embroiled in a plot to kidnap Vinzer Deling, the bloodthirsty dictator of Galbadia, fought a zombie doppleganger instead, discovered that Cid wrote a contract so vague that for all Squall knew, he, Zell and Selphie may well be stuck with this assignment for the rest of their lives and now they were on the run from the Galbadian government.

Squall was  dragged out of his thoughts as he felt a pair of eyes staring at him. He looked in Linoa's direction, only for her to suddenly look away, unconvincingly pretending she was looking at a map of the railway system. There was still a bit of tension between them as their opposite philosophies coupled with their strong and stubborn personalities had recently had explosive results. He went back to his introspection.

On top of everything else, Seifer decided to do the dumbest thing in his life and try to capture Deling himself, only to then leave with the sorceress, so they couldn't know if he was even still alive. Zell spilled the beans about them being SeeDs, Quistis suddenly showed up, the Forrest Owls' HQ was destroyed...

So many things had happened in such a short amount of time. Too many to think about. He couldn't focus on any of them, couldn't make an informed decision and he hated that. He needed a distraction, something that would help him take things one at a time, reboot his brain. Quistis. The one person that could get more than two words in a row out of him and the one person he might possibly admit to considering a friend. He had to talk to her about something. Anything. And it just so happened he had something to tell her.

He slowly made his way towards the SeeD cabin, once again feeling Linoa's gaze as he walked by her. In the corridor, he saw Selphie looking out the window much like during their previous trip. “Hi, Squall!” she chirped as she noticed him enter. He ignored her, not wanting to give any conversation the potential to start, and walked inside the cabin. “Gee, a real ray of sunshine, this guy,” Selphie thought as she went back to contemplating the landscape.

As the door closed behind him, Squall already felt a little bit better from the sudden quiet. Quistis looked up from a months-old magazine she'd been reading. SeeDs didn't travel by train that frequently, so agencies were in no rush to steadily supply the cabins with fresh literature, not to mention that with Deling's tight grasp on the media, obtaining up-to-date information was not an easy task. Squall thought that Quistis must have been a special kind of bored to pass the time reading articles she'd probably read a long time ago back in Balamb. He stood there for a few seconds, trying to think of something to say. Much to his relief, Quistis broke the silence:

“Hi.”

“Hi.”

As stellar as the conversation was, Squall felt he had to add something. “Do you wanna... play cards or something?”.

Quistis was pleasantly surprised by the offer, although it was true that Triple Triad was the only kind of social activity Squall seemed to happily partake in. And she could tell it wasn't out of competitiveness either because he sucked at it, at least by her standards. Poor Squall had no clue about her secret.

“Sure,” she said with a smile, tossing the magazine to the side and pulling out a game board. Triple Triad was massively popular among among military groups, including the SeeD, so each cabin was fitted with a foldable board and even a deck of cards, although Quistis and Squall never left the Garden without their own.

“I dare hope the people of Timber haven't corrupted you yet and you still play using Balambian rules, the way Hyne intended?” said Quistis with a smile, setting up the board next to her on the couch.

“Hm,” was Squall's reply as he sat down to face her. Quistis took a gil form her purse.

“Heads or tails?” she asked.

“Tails,” answered Squall. Quistis flipped the coin, caught it and placed it on the back of her hand. “Tails, you go first”.

Unsurprisingly, Quistis' hand was much better than Squall's. On the rare occasions he actually managed to win a good card, he usually lost it to her almost immediately. Then again, his mind really wasn't into the game, as evidenced when he placed his first card with one of the weakest numbers completely exposed. If Quistis didn't know any better, she might have thought he was luring her into a trap.

She laid down her own card and placed a token of her colour on Squall's, signifying a capture. Squall placed his next card almost immediately and in an equally dumb move. This wasn't right. Squall usually at least tried to play decently and talked a little while playing. In fact, Quistis had a sneaking suspicion that the main reason he played Triple Triad at all was so he had an excuse to chat with people without having to admit that he enjoyed it, the horror. On top of that, she could feel him look at her from behind his hand and hide behind his cards when she looked back.

“Come on, Squall, just spit it out.”

“What?”

“You clearly have something on your mind and you're being even more quiet than usual. It's super awkward.”

Squall stayed silent for a short time, considering how to start saying what he had to say, or even whether to say anything at all. But then again, why did he go out of his way to go meet her if he wasn't going to say anything?

“It's just... I... I'm sorry.”

Quistis looked at him in confusion. It was unusual for Squall to apologize for anything, and it seemed even more surprising considering she didn't remember him offending her in any way. Not recently at least.

“For what?” she asked.

“For the way I treated you last night.” He paused for a second, realizing what he said and finding it incredible that it was only last night. Actually, it was this morning, come to think of it. “It... it sucked”. Quistis felt a bit relieved. She was surprised he even still thought about it.

“It's alright, don't worry about it” she said with a reassuring smile. “My behaviour wasn't exactly the best either, trying to cry on one of my students' shoulder on the night of his graduation”.

“The thing is, I always want to be direct and frank. I hate it when people sugarcoat things and weigh it down with pointless courtesies... but I also want to be fair. And I wasn't. I was just being a dick. Don't get me wrong, I haven't changed my mind about what I said, but I should have put it better. I guess what I'm trying to say is... it's pointless to regret what could have been. We can't do anything about that. We can only do something about what is, so if you can't be an instructor, then be the best SeeD you can.”

Quistis was now looking at him with wide eyes. It was very rare for Squall to open up like this. It was becoming obvious to her that the weight of this first mission was heavy for him. She had to admit it was a difficult one, especially for a rookie.

“Look... it's okay, really. It didn't make me mad at you. I'm surprised it bothered you so much.” She wanted to try to lighten things up a bit. “And besides... I figured you were just in a bad mood because a cute girl had just made you lose your cool and forced you to admit that there are some things that even you find fun.”

Squall grimaced. Partly because of the teasing and partly because he couldn't deny there was some truth to it. He was often taken off guard by how well Quistis seemed to understand him.

“And now she owns ya!” she added, staring right at him with a cocky smile. Evidently she was aware of the terms of their contract.

“Until Timber is independent, yeah” Squall clarified.

“Which might as well be forever.”

“Don't remind me,” said Squall with a sigh.

“Oh come on!”

“What?”

“Don't even pretend you're upset that you have to stay around her!”

“What?” Squall was growing increasingly annoyed.

“You like her! It's obvious!”

“What are you talking about?” Squall asked, planting his face firmly into his hand.

“Sorry Squall, but you're really not nearly as subtle as you think you're being. The way you look at her, the way you act around her, the way you talk to her... you're a completely different person than with anyone else!”

Squall looked at her with complete incredulity. “The way I talk to her?! So I get into shouting matches with her and what you get from that is that I'm into her?”

“Well honestly... yeah.”

Squall was at a loss for words. “I don't even want to imagine how you must think I feel about Seifer, then.”

Quistis burst out laughing. Squall wasn't one to joke around but when he did, he could come up with some genuinely funny ones. And considering how things went the last time they saw Seifer, she could use some levity.

“Ha... but seriously, Squall. Your reaction to Seifer actually illustrates what I mean perfectly. When Seifer, or Zell, or me, or anyone annoys you, you try to get them off your back as quickly as possible so you can go sulk by yourself.”

Squall looked away. Once again, it would be difficult for him to deny that her analysis was perfectly accurate. Quistis continued.

“Point is, you always try to end it as quickly as possible. Even with Seifer, you only ever got into fights with him if he didn't leave you any other option. But with Linoa... with her you actually get mad. And you stick around to give her a piece of your mind. You try to convince her to see things your way and you get angry when she doesn't. Do you realize what this means, Squall?”

He let out a big sigh.

“No, but I'm sure you're going to tell me.”

“It means you CARE! And THAT is the big difference. I don't think I've ever seen you care what other people think before. You don't share your feelings with anyone except maybe me, and even then not often and I have to drag it out of you. But with her, you go out of your way to let her know what you think. You take it personally! And it frustrates you when she disagrees with you because you wish she'd see things your way.”

Squall shook his head in response.

“Well, Quistis, if the SeeD thing doesn't work for you either, you'd make a great psychologist.”

Quistis didn't let his attitude slow her down. It was obvious to her that he was trying to convince himself more than he was trying to convince her:

“Think about it! If you didn't like her, then why would you get so mad? You always act like everything is strictly business. You never show any reaction to people from the Garden disagreeing with you. You never get involved, so why would a client's opinions affect you so much? Why would you care about anything that doesn't pertain to the mission? If it were anyone else, you'd just roll your eyes and shut your brain off until they gave you orders.”

Squall was getting irritated.

“Look... I don't know if I really look at her differently from anyone else. Maybe. I'll admit she's pretty. Big deal. I'm not blind. But,” he sighed. “what drives me insane about her is that there are so many people whining about how 'someone' should do 'something' but not a single one of them is willing to be that someone. Even among the resistance, most groups are activists in name only, and here there finally was one that was willing to pick up the slack and they're a bunch of unreliable incompetents bumbling around with no preparation, no backup plan and just no... no sense of reality. THAT is why I'm so frustrated. Her cause is noble but she has no idea what she's doing.”

Squall did give Linoa credit for being the one to get things going, although he wasn't going to do so out loud; no point in giving Quistis more ammo. Zone was supposedly the leader of the Forrest Owls but it was obvious that Linoa was the one who actually ran everything. As much as she could baffle him, he did respect her for that. If only her naiveté didn't hold back her determination.

“So basically,” Quistis went on, “it's like I said. You do care about her and you take it personally that she doesn't give herself the means to achieve her goals”.

“Whatever.”

There was a pause. Squall seemed to be even less focused on the game as it went on, barely even looking at his cards before dropping them. Quistis leaned back to rest against the couch.

“Honestly, I can see why you like her.” she said with a more serious expression. Squall desperately tried to ignore her and considered leaving the room altogether. “She'd be perfect for you. She'd bring you a bit of passion, something to put your skills as a SeeD to good use. And you'd bring her the focus she needs to reach her dreams.”

She chuckled again. “If you two joined forces, I think the Galbadian dictatorship would fall by tomorrow!”

“You're taking your fantasies for realities, Quistis.” said Squall. “You barely know anything about her. Hell, I barely know anything about her and she's my client.”

“I know enough.”

“Tsk, you're hopeless. Anyway, you win, pick your cards so I can leave.” replied Squall, as if he hadn't been the one to initiate the conversation.

“Nah, you can keep them,” was Quistis' response.

“Huh? But you won!”

“Your head wasn't in the game. I'll take your cards when you lose properly. I'm guessing your mind was too preoccupied by that cute girl you totally don't care about.”

“You keep telling yourself that,” said Squall while picking up his cards. “I'm going back outside. I think we're nearly there.” He hoped that was true.

“Okay.” Before Squall left the room, she added “I'm totally telling her you said she's pretty, by the way!”

Giving Quistis a death glare over his shoulder, he left without a word, knowing full well that he'd only dig himself deeper.

“Hi again, Squall!” said Selphie as he passed. Squall still didn't reply. He wasn't ignoring her this time, he just didn't hear her. Quistis had realized things about him before he did so many times before, and he wondered if that was the case here.